Ambivalent Indecision

At work, I have always been known as the “get it done guy.”

At home, I am a master of sitting on my ass and doing nothing.

How do I reconcile these two seemingly dichotomous personality traits?  Well, it’s like this.  I can embrace the sitting on my ass and doing nothing portion of the program if it is my choice to sit on my ass and do nothing.  When I am forced to sit on my ass and do nothing, I get cranky, and crazy, and filled with anxiety.

The decision to get the PET scan instead of the CAT scan was made on Friday but said scan still has not been scheduled because it costs thousands of dollars and the insurance company has to pre-approve such expenditures.  It’s Wednesday, so that even if it gets approved this week, it probably won’t get done until next week, which means that decisions about next steps won’t happen until next week and even if it is surgery, it’ll probably be the first of second week of August before that can happen.

Cranky, crazy, and filled with anxiety.

It’s interesting.  Gilda Radner wrote about it as “delicious ambiguity” when describing the unknown in her battle with ovarian cancer.  I don’t find it delicious.  In fact one of my favorite quotes is from Postcards from the Edge: “Instant gratification takes too long.”  I call it ambivalent indecision.  It is that dead zone in between knowing that you have to get something done and being able to actually do something about it.

I found out about what was thought to be cancer with an asterisk more than a month ago and it will be approaching 2 months by the time we actually do something about it.

Cranky, crazy, and filled with anxiety.