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CVS has this big section of “As Seen on TV” products.  I bought this:



So I open it up and I see this:



There are more warnings on a printed thing that included:

  • Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Potato Express.
  • Potato Express contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
  • Do not use Potato Express on linoleum.
  • Discontinue use of Potato Express if any of the following occurs:
    • itching
    • vertigo
    • dizziness
    • tingling in extremities
    • loss of balance or coordination
    • slurred speech
    • temporary blindness
    • profuse sweating
    • heart palpitations
  • If Potato Express begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
  • Potato Express may stick to certain types of skin.
  • When not in use, Potato Express should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Potato Express, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
  • Ingredients of Potato Express include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
  • Do not taunt Potato Express.

Bonus points if you remember where that came from.

Anyway, I tried to cook a potato in it but it says DO NOT heat on high but it doesn’t say anywhere what you SHOULD heat it on.  So I did like 70% for 4 minutes and came out with a mostly raw potato.

I threw the bag on the floor, stuck the potato back in the microwave for a few minutes on a plate, and then ate it.

I’m pretty sure during the middle of the night I heard Potato Express laughing at me.

28 sit ups, 78 stomach crunches, 28 leg lifts, 1:22 plank.