Select Page

I’m not sure what made me think of today’s TYOLD item. After all, I tried my luck at the ponies this past weekend and didn’t pick a single winner so why I would think that scratch off lottery tickets would be any better is beyond me, but that’s what popped into my head.

Now, I’ve bought scratch off lottery tickets before so the challenge was to figure out how to make it something I had never done before. So, in the category of win big or go home crying, I just walked into a 7-eleven and bought one of every single lottery ticket in their display case.

It looked like this in the case:


And like this on my desk:

For the record that is 23 tickets and it cost me $119. As I write this, they are all sitting on my desk at work and this is going to be my lunch hour. Okay, here we go… (these are not in any particular order; just how I picked them up).

Ticket #1: “Dazzling 7’s”
It’s a $2 ticket that has a top prize of $17,000. <sound of scratching> I won $3! Hey, I’m ahead a whole dollar!!

Ticket #2: “Lucky for Life”
$1 ticket that has a top prize of $500 per week for 25 years. <scratch, scratch, scratch> Insert the sad losing horn sound from “The Price is Right” here. I got nothing. I’m now even ($3 invested, $3 won).

Ticket #3: “7-11-21”
$2 ticket that has a top prize of $21,000. <scratchy, scratchy> We have our first push – I won a free ticket. I’m going to consider that the same as a $2 win so now I’m still even with $5 invested and $5 returned.

Ticket #4: “Lucky 13”
A Halloween themed $2 ticket (with bats and ghosts) that has a top prize of $13,000. <scritch, scritch, scritch> Sad horns. I’m down, with $7 in and $5 won.

Ticket #5: “Merry Money”
A Christmas themed $2 ticket (presents and snowflakes) that has a top prize of $20,000. <Bob S-Cratchit, S-Cratchit> Bah humbug! $9 wagered, $5 won so I’m down $4.

Ticket #6: “Year of the Horse”
A $1 ticket that is correct in its premise – 2014 is, in fact, the year of the horse. Top prize is $800. <galloping scratches> And my bad luck with horses continues. $10 in, $5 won, down $5.

Ticket #7: “20x Crossword”
Now we’re getting into the big leagues here… this is a $10 ticket with a top prize of $750,000. This is a very confusing game that involves two crossword puzzle boards (you get 20 letters and if you get 3 or more words per puzzle you win), bonus multipliers, and “fast cash” spots. You know it’s bad when you have to read the instructions to figure out how to play a lottery ticket. But okay… <scrape, rub, rasp, and other thesaurus words for scratch> Okay, that would have been an exhausting amount of work even if I had won something, which I didn’t. $20 in, $5 won, down $15.

Ticket #8: “Diamond Millionaire”
Another $10 ticket with a chance to win up to $1 million. Much easier than the stupid crossword one. <Diamonds are a girl’s best scratch> Wow, I suck. $30 in, $5 won, down $25.

Ticket #9: “Big 6 Bingo”
This is a $5 ticket with a $75,000 top prize and… Oh for god’s sake… this has 30 numbers to scratch off and then match to 6 different bingo cards to try to get 5 in a row across, up, down, diagonally, four corners, or in an X-pattern. Sigh. <And scratch-o was his name-o> Bingo is only fun if it involve alcohol and drag queens. $35 in, $5 won, down $30.

Ticket #10: “California Gold”
A $10 ticket that offers a top prize of $1 million. <California here I scratch> This one was fool’s gold for me. $45 in, $5 won, down $40. I’m not liking where this is going.

Ticket #11: “Lucky for Life”
This is the same as ticket #2 only it’s a $10 ticket and you can win up to $5,000 per week for 25 years. <Luck be a scratchy tonight> What’s that old saying? “Lucky in scratchers, unlucky in life?” Whatever, I didn’t win anything. $55 in, $5 won, down $50.

Ticket #12: “Cash Up”
A $5 ticket with a top prize of $100,000. <Itchy and Scratchy> Okay, so it isn’t cash but I did win a free ticket on this one, so the tally as we are roughly halfway through is $60 in, $10 won, down $50.

Ticket #13: “20X the Money”
A $5 ticket with a top prize of $200,000. <Scratch a rising star> I won nothing and my fingers are turning silver. $65 in, $10 won, down $55.

Ticket #14: “Silver 7’s”
A $5 ticket with a chance to win up to $77,777. <Scratch Game with your host Gene Scratchburn> I couldn’t even match Charles Nelson Scratchly on this one. $70 in, $10 won, down $60.

Ticket #15: “Tripling Crossword”
Oh crap, another crossword puzzle game. It’s a $3 ticket with a $20,000 top prize. <7 letter word for “to rub at”> I’m wearing out the sad horn sound. $73 in, $10 won, down $63.

Ticket #16: $75,000 Poker”
This is a $5 card with a top prize of $75,000 (hence the name). This one has 8 poker hands that you are playing against the “dealer’s hand.” <Come on, four of a scratch!> You know it’s going to end poorly when the dealer’s hand is a straight flush. $78 in, $10 won, down $68.

Ticket #17: “Lucky for Life”
Just like tickets #2 and #11 only it’s a $5 ticket with a $2,500 per week for 25 years top prize. <Scratch Adams starring Robin Scratchlliams> It’s the horses all over again. $83 in, $10 won, down $73.

Ticket #18: “Mega Crossword”
It’s a $5 ticket that you can win up to $75,000 on. <I really dislike these crossword games. Scratch that – I hate them> I won a ticket on this game, so counting it as $88 in, $15 won, down $73.

Ticket #19: “Chocolate”
I’m liking the theme here. It’s a $2 ticket with a $20,000 top prize. <chocolate covered scratch> I have now opened a bag of M&Ms as consolation. $90 in, $15 won, down $75.

Ticket #20: “Winter Crossword”
Grrrrrrr…. $3 ticket with a $20,000 top prize. <I have run out of scratch related puns> And I have almost run out of tickets that might give me a shot at redemption. $93 in, $15 won, down $78.

Ticket #21: “Tripling Crossword”
Aiiigghhh!!! $3 ticket with a $20,000 top prize. <grumble scratch grumble scratch> Okay, the crosswords aren’t as despised now… a $4 win. $96 in, $19 won, down $77.

Ticket #22: “Bingo Boxes”
Another bingo game, this time on a $3 ticket and a $20,000 top prize. <tired scratching hand> A little late in the game to start winning but a $5 bump on the penultimate ticket takes me to $99 in, $24 won, and $75 lost.

Drumroll please…

Ticket #23: “$5 Million Jackpot”
I saved the big one until the end. It’s a $20 ticket with a $5 million top prize. <Last Scratch, Last Chance for Love…> And I’m going home alone, as usual.

The final total: $119 wagered, $24 in cash and tickets won, and a total of $95 lost.

Lest you think I am always this unlucky, here’s something that happened in Las Vegas last week: